I still haven't heard from San Diego superior court about my ticket, I still haven't filed for insurance for my car and I still have been staying at my friends' house.

At least yesterday I went shopping and got some supplies that were quickly removed from my presence, as my car has not yet returned from the 'five minute trip.' Nobody knows where to find it, and I know where it is, I just don't have a ride. Nobody can steal that car; I designed it that way. It will stay where is sits and never start by any other mode.

I know someone has been reading my diaries and looking through my pictures.

I hope there is no hard feelings about these things.

I have never had to relate to someone so much before, and that is why I am wavering between letting go and not letting go. I am the type of person who easily lets go and moves on to the next catch; this time its harder because I actually care more than usual, but I know I am stuck in a rut with this one. I just want to have fun and make money, and its turning into not having fun and loosing money. I will find out today what the true deal is on this matter.

Other than that, my mother has stopped stressing me out so much. I wish people would call to meet me more often, living outside has its ups and downs. I wake up at the ass crack of dawn... literally. Sometimes four in the morning. And I go to sleep really early, sometimes seven or eight. Not having water or electricity is hard, but its not that much of a change. Its worth not having to have to pay.

It seems alot of beautiful ideas were ravaged and torn apart because of anger, which is a righteous anger, felt by many. Sometimes I wish it could always be peachy keen like, but those are just dreams and reality is naturally one second closer to death every day.

I have felt a omniscient presence of death lingering around me... I know its not my life, nor the people I am constantly around. I feel as though I will loose something great soon, something I didn't realize I had before its gone, and something that will either make me stronger or destroy me. I like it out here in Wildomar, there are people who I can relate to, yet there are others who block me out because we are so much alike.

The other day I hitchhiked all the way down bundy canyon to scott road, I wanted to go so I went. Its easier here to live the life of a female aladdin, jumping from one unit to the next, finding more about one person to the next. This morning while standing outside the cute paperboy asked me for my phone number. I will never have a problem with men... three of them in the last three hours expressed interest in my physical and mental capacities. It just happens to be that is not my main interest..... I want that darkness back in my life... that personal darkness that is alone, and yet not alone. Almost like how 20th century Zen Master Seung Sahn says:

Good and evil have no self nature;
Holy and unholy are empty names;
In front of the door is the land of stillness and quiet;
Spring comes, grass grows by itself.

This is true. I want to be in the stillness and quiet... but I long so much for the chaotic mess that is my life. I want them both, and I had them both, but now it seems I have something muddied up in between, caught up in many different facets and perceptions of what that stillness truly is.

I realized lately that I am the easiest person to blame, the easiest person to be jealous of, and the most capable person at anything I do. I hotwired a phone charger to power my phone this morning... it makes me wonder what else I am capable of. I climed mountains to find a gold mine, and I mapped out all of the Hemet mountains. I am good at what I do, but I have been held back by mysterious forces called 'desire' and 'lust' and even 'love.' That is so gay. I don't want to have to be that way, but I suppose it just is how it is.

I see everything as if I was in front of that closed door. I see the nature of men unravel in front of my eyes as if they were animals. I see their minds layed out on thin strips of cheese cloth, neatly folded and organized as little boxes separated into categories in which they all fit. But every now and then, something like me appears and messes that all up... I don't fit in any of those little category boxes most people find so convenient to utilize as tools to understand the spontaneous nature of life.

After you pass a certain point you become utterly free... free to determine whether or not it is imaginary or real. Free to pick whether or not you will disobey because you can see past those boxes or to see if you can find a way, a loophole, around the issue.

The government recognizes this ability to see past these arbitrary boundaries as potentially productive (intelligence which can be disciplined for its benefit through authoritative instruction) or potentially dangerous (the need to ignore a vortex of stupidity by directly resisting) and the first group of people are trained like dogs and implanted in certain areas of society and made aware of the consequences of disobedience; whereas the second group of people are seen as a threat and done away with in a manner which does not cause physical death, but deterioration of the soul through imprisonment.

Someone asked me recently what two words, when put together, spring up what thought. I was to say a word that came to mind first after hearing the two words. They were:

after chaos

what do you think of?

Either it is something of the nature that chaos has ended, and there is none left.

Or it is a meaning of a type of person who chases that chaos, who finds comfort in the meaning of searching out risk and excitement no matter the end result... which is always chaotic.

So either the person will think of something that means 'the chase' or someone will think of something that means 'the resolve.'

I am always and have always been a connoisseur of 'the chase' rather than 'the result.'

The events I have experienced in my life cause my reactions to the events currently unraveling in my daily activities. I may react strongly to a statement made about my behavior and class because it differs so much from my nuclear family and my ex husband, but I may have no problem accepting the recent deaths of friends and the excommunication made by my mother.

I have not heard from Wes. I have a feeling that the last week was the eye of the storm, and that there is more shit to be fed up my ass. The self righteous will do anything to justify their actions with confidence, just as the self loathing will continue to obey the jagged rules of social stimulation. Lies are told to avoid loosing the important things, and conspiracies are believed because those little boxes and categories fit right with one thing more than another, and that is its default classification.

I had a dream about Jessie the night before last. I was upset and I was looking at a gun in the dark, seeing the reflection of light off the freshly polished metal in the twilight. I entertained the idea of self destruction only for a moment, not through self loathing or suicide, just because my mind wonders frequently to the darkness. I dreamt I had come to her, looking at her, she had a beautiful house by the ocean. She told me, "This is your life, the furniture are the things you experience. This house is like your head, throughout your life you will it with memories and experiences, knowledge and wisdom. This is what you will look like to die whole." And then the beautiful sun went out of the windows, which became pitch black and darkness fell upon the house, and it was cold. She was alone with me in the large, empty, echoing dark house. She said "this is what happens when you destroy your head. You are empty, nothing, lonely and cold. This darkness, because you have destroyed your head by your own choice, is what you must endure for the rest of eternity." The loneliness and coldness crept into my perception as one of the most frightening moments of a dream I have ever experienced. It was not interesting in my dream as it was in the Navidson Record (a story in a book) in which the blackness expanded and contracted; this was a set plan, of dark, timeless cold and loneliness forever. That was the representation of suicide and loneliness I never want to have for my eternity. If that is death after suicide, I will never feel self loathing ever again.

I would love to have this calmness in my heart, but my confusion makes it difficult. I can stay here and live comfortably yet struggling, or I can go to Fallbrook and live struggling yet comfortably. I can't have my weed and smoke it too, so I have to make a decision and I have been lagging. I know I can't stay either place for much long. I can't go up north because things went sour and David moved to Missouri. Plus its way too fucking cold to live outside here, it must be three times as bad up there. I never have a moment where I am capable of expressing my emotions carefully to the people I love; its always a stranger that hears the whole end of the story. And its always the family to see the bad straw be drawn on either side. I just want an answer, and there isn't one.

Today will unravel in a strange way. I hope its not bad, not good, just continues in the calm, whole, darkness by itself.